BREAKDOWN

After a very satisfying and forward looking practice session yesterday, I experienced a psychological breakdown today. It wasn't cognitive or technical; it was definitely psychological.

I thought "What's the use?  I'll never get this. I'll never be any good.  Why am I busting my butt on this?  Why not just go do something fun and easy? Bach is too hard for me. My left elbow hurts. I'm too old to learn new stuff at the piano. My memory isn't what it used to be. The heck with it."  I ended practice at least 15 minutes earlier than I would have normally.

OK. Deal with it. What's up?

Was it the sugar in the ice cream I ate last night? I haven't had sugar in quite a while. That can mess with my mood.

Was it the fact that I've been hanging out at the very edge of my abilities for weeks on end now?  I've spent almost all of my practice time learning new stuff and pushing the limits of what I can do.  I've spent relatively little time playing familiar pieces that I've already basically mastered, and that I can have the pleasure of refining musically.

Was it just the usual cycle of good and bad moods?  Go do something else and wait it out?

The thing is, I find that it isn't just music.  It never is.  Music reflects what's going on with me more generally.  I'm discouraged about everything this morning, now that I think about it.  So it's a mood. I've had those before. I'll have them again. I can deal with moods.

Things that help me:

Exercise, or even just moving around.

Breaking my routine.

Being with friends. I'm helping a friend move today. That'll pull me out of my own head.

Heavy drinking.  Just kidding!

Remembering my motivations -- I want to have a great looking brain for the autopsy!

Laughing at myself.

The appreciation of beauty.

But most of all, just sticking with it helps me.  If I just continue to practice, I know that I'll find the inherent satisfactions that it provides and those will keep me going.  They always have in the past.  I think they will for a little while longer.

Also, writing this blog helps.  It gives me perspective.

Another thing that gives me perspective is the experience of other musicians.  Here's a quote from Mike Ragogna's interview with Joshua Bell.  Mike lives here and is an acquaintance of mine. He interviews musicians of all kinds.  Joshua Bell is one of the most famous young classical violinists working today. He's at the very top of his profession, but even he is still developing.

MR: What is the biggest growth that you've had as an artist?

JB: Well, since I've started, I've grown about five and a half feet. (laughs) I did start when I was very young. I was four years old and being a musician and a violinist is a constant growth process. You're always learning. It's hard to answer that question. I mean, I still feel I'm going in the right direction. Each year, I feel I'm still getting better and finding more insight into the music. The Franck that I just recorded, for instance, I recorded twenty years ago. I think I would have a hard time listening to it because I've experience so much in between, in music and in life in general. Your whole approach changes as you get older, and I have a better violin now. I have a wonderful, many-million-dollar Stradivarius violin that was made in 1713. One's sound changes over the years and you refine it. It's a fun job because you're always evolving and learning.

[Before beginning this blog, I was sending emails to a friend.  I'm incorporating those into the blog, and embellishing them here and there. This entry was from 1/30/2012.]